Friday, October 30, 2009


It is sort of pathetic how the Musical Version of War of the Worlds still has the power to scare me. The cylinder unscrewing sound is the worst. I had to tell myself to stop being silly in order to not turn it off and run screaming to my room to hide under the covers.

I'm listening to my CDs as I carve my pumpkin, bought courtesy of Mom and Dad. After the unscrewing noises, and the UUlllaa! then it gets less creepy for a while because it is the song about the Autumn Leaves and You're Not Here and lots of music, but I think it is going to get scary again, because the part with the alien in the cellar is coming up, unless that is only in the movie. The poor Thunder Child just made her last stand, which ended badly. But lives were saved, so it wasn't in vain.

I fed Pie the bits of the pumpkin I cut to make the eyes and such. She really liked it and it is good fiber. I didn't give it all to her and I offered some to the others, but they were not impressed.

Pie is tortured.

Pie and Fancy investigate the finished product.

Then Pie tastes the finished project. I think she would have started to nibble if I hadn't saved him form her jaws of doom.
At the agility show tomorrow I am bringing my dog's costumes and will take pictures. I know you are all looking forward to that!
Fancy is tortured.
The Boingy Ghost makes an appearance to add to the mood.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Poor, Poor Blossom

Torn ACL and not putting any weight on the leg. He must be commiserating with me and my knee problems. Surgery is usual for active dogs so they can get back to being active, but for old, inactive, small dogs, rest may allow it to heal. He has pain medication, but it is very sad to see him on three legs. So I put him in his crate to begin the rest, and he is already crying to be let out.

I think Pie bumped him and he slipped on the stupid wood floor. When Bloom was infirm, I couldn't get her to stop bumping into and running him over either. I suppose when you have a large gerfy (sp?) dog, it is something to consider when adding small dogs to the mix.

Poor, poor Blossom. It shouldn't happen to a dog. Especially such an old one.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Agility Weekend

(What other kind of weekend is there? Ah yes, a Schutzhund weekend, or an obedience weekend, or maybe a hiking weekend...)
Another three day agility weekend, this one in the lovely town of Lakeview Terrance. Did you see the movie? I did. And there are no neighborhoods like that around this park. It is horse country. Makes me jealous, it does. The old home fires still burn for the horses, as much as I am involved in the dogs now...

I already wrote about Fancy's Mach 3. Did I post the video? Here is the link.

In addition to her Mach, she got not one, but two third places, and another non-placement. As I wrote, Fancy isn't the fastest dog, so placements are rare for her.

On Sunday, I ran both Pie and Fancy like I should. Meaning aggressively and doing lots of front crosses, because that keeps me ahead of them and keeps them moving. Front crosses require better timing, which I lack, so lots of times I wimp out and do rear crosses. On a rear cross, the dog must be a head of you. Therefore, if you are faster than your dog, you have to slow down to let them get a head, and then you get sucked into the vortex of "you go, no you go" kind of like when kind stranger holds the door for you, but their hands are full and you are trying to hold the door for them... Another reason I wimp out of front crosses is sometimes I'm afraid of by running where I need to get to do the front cross, my dog will ignore the turning cue and instead take off course jumps. And, sometimes I do complete a front cross, but don't trust my dog enough to come with me so instead of doing my cross and taking off running, I do the cross and wait for the dog, to make sure she turns. Which again defeats the purpose. But for whatever reason, I was able to let go of my reservations and run the way I practice. And it worked well. Both dogs qualified in both runs with decent times. Now I just have to let go of the fear of my knee(s) popping out at random times. If you notice on the video, I'm running funny. I think it is especially obvious while Fancy's going up the dog walk. I'm consciously trying to run fast but carefully. Is that possible?

To recap the weekend: Fancy got her Mach Three, One QQ and a Q for a total of 34 points and two third places.

Pie got two QQs and an extra Q with two second places, a third and a fourth and a non-placement, for a total of 64 points. She now has 650 out of 750 points and 10 out of 20 QQs for her Mach.

Overall, a successful weekend for the ResQQ gang!
Fancy is not too thrilled to pose with her ribbons.
She'd rather run through the tunnel. Wheee!
Pie is always thrilled to do anything. Fancy thinks it is because she is small minded, but I think it is because she is good natured.
Pie is even more thrilled to do THIS pose! What fun for The Pie!

Saturday, October 24, 2009


Fancy earned her final 11 points today for her third Agility Championship. I knew she could do it, but she was making me work for it, refusing to run, running slowly or going off course. Today she pulled it all together for a good paced run with no mistakes. We didn't make a big deal of it, skipping the victory lap and not telling too many people a head of time. She got a pretty ribbon which will go up on the wall with the other special ribbons.

Fancy is an interesting agility dog. It isn't really that challenging to run her, so when she does well, it isn't that exciting. Kind of ho hum, Fancy qualified again. The challenge is to keep her happy and moving quickly, which is itself challenging, but that isn't supposed to be the challenge of agility. The real challenge is supposed to be staying on the correct course, keeping the bars up, turning tightly, and having the fastest times. Fancy isn't a border collie. A BC will run an agility course, dirt and grass clods flying, skimming over the jumps and turning on a dime. Why? Because if you are a BC, anything worth doing is worth doing FAST! (As always, there are exceptions, and some border collies are not as fast as others...) But Fancy doesn't feel the need for speed, especially when it is hot. Yes, sometimes we have nice speedy runs. Those are usually when it is cool outside and she is only entered in one run for the entire weekend.

The point is slow dogs are easier to run than fast dogs, and while I am proud of Fancy's Mach 3, it isn't a huge deal because Fancy listens to what I say, and tries hard (unless she is melting in the heat and refusing to run altogether) so it wasn't a huge challenge. This is the dog that went from her first novice show to her MX and MXJ in 6 and 7 months, after being in training for only 6 months. She got her MX exactly one year to the day after I adopted her. She is easy. Most dogs are still in training after a year, yet Fancy had her master level titles.

If she wanted to run agility as much as I do, she could be one of those dogs that earns a Mach 10 or more. As it is, I might drop her down to preferred, the 16 inch jump height. That level has the Preferred Agility Excellent title, which is 20 double qs, so it won't matter how fast or slow she runs, and I can concentrate on enjoying our time together, instead of worrying about how fast she is going.

Fast, medium, or slow, Fancy is still my special girl, even if she is pouting about the puppy. Hot dogs were her snacks at the show today, and we have El Pollo Loco for tomorrow, but I will probably buy her a cheeseburger for a reward for her Mach 3. It seems only fair since I have one friend who buys her dog a cheeseburger every time the dog qualifies, and she has bought only two this entire year. See what I mean about Fancy being easy???

One more item of note is Fancy earned a third place for her Mach run. Not bad in the 20 inch division, a class full of BCs and aussies. Go Fancy Go!

Even though it was Fancy's special day, Pie also gets a mention because she got a double Q today. 9 out of 20 and counting! Pie got two second places and a third so far this weekend.

The puppy gets a mention for staying in the x pen and not jumping out. Pie was babysitting her and showing her how good dogs stay where they were put. Good pup, but then she nibbled on the ribbons I had hanging on the pen and got the pretty white one all dirty. Such a puppy.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Poor Blossom

Blossom went off his food, much like when I first got him, but not quite as bad because he is eating at least every other day. And he cried horribly when I picked him up the other day. So we went to our favorite hang out spot, the vet, and she diagnosed blood in the urine and anemia. I didn't quite understand what the anemia signifies (I'll have to talk to my friends who know about this kind of stuff) and she gave antibiotics in case the blood is caused by a kidney infection. Since blood in the urine is a symptom, and not a disease, we don't know what is causing it... And today, he has started limping on his back leg. I found my self thinking of it as the rear driver's side. I must still be recovering from the flat tire incident.

It is also Poor Blossom because he had to stay home today while I took Fancy, Pie and Knotty on a hike before our agility trial. The trial started at one, so we had enough time to drive out to the Angeles Forest and hike up the hill. This hiking spot of choice is all up hill on a dirt road, until you turn around, then it is all down hill. We were passed by a Forest Law Enforcement vehicle and met a truck coming towards us. Neither vehicle ran over any dogs.

Knotty fell into a mud hole and got some mud on her tongue and made a funny face. On the way down Fancy was thirsty enough to lick the mud but I made her stop. There was no standing water, but it was very wet mud. The most interesting part was when Pie alerted to something over the side and looked like she was going to chase it. I have a "No chasing what I can't see" policy and told her no. As soon as I said that, I heard heavy crashing and then three deer broke cover and bounded (boing, boing, boing) down the hill. They were very large. Pie spotted them and started to quiver. Fancy saw them too and was equally excited. I know you are not allowed to use dogs to hunt deer, I don't have a hunting license anyway, I don't know if it is deer season, I know you are not allowed to let your dogs harass wild life AND I know it isn't nice to let your dogs chase wild animals who spend all day looking for or eating food, because the unnecessary chasing will make them burn energy they need later, BUT I really wanted to let my dogs have fun and chase the deer. However, I am a good responsible dog owner and told them NO again and the deer bounded off and we continued on our way. Pie and Fancy both took NO to mean they couldn't go over the side, but it didn't stop them from racing down the paved road, the same direction the deer went. Just in case the dogs were trying to be sneaky and planned on going over the side once they were out of sight around a bend, I called them back. They came, and they were still on the road, so I suppose they are good dogs. Knotty was tired from all the walking and never saw the deer or picked up on the excitement of the other dogs.

Then we went to the agility trial and it was hot and the dogs were still tired from the walk. My steady Fancy is letting me down and having run after run with out qualifying, which is extra bad luck since she only needs 11 points for her third agility championship. She is bored with showing so much so I've given up trying to qualify for the Nationals. Therefore, you will see me in November, since I'll be taking a small break from showing. Fancy could be a super agility dog- if she enjoyed it more. What's not to like, really? I don't understand that dog, sometimes.

I hope Blossom's health issues are figured out soon, although I think his agility career has been axed before it ever begun.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I've made some layout changes? Can you spot them?

In addition to playing with my blog tonight, I also had my second puppy obedience class and my first beginning agility class. I am so proud of the puppies! They are all doing so well. The pretty blue merele aussie pup has super soft fur and is a good demo dog. The small cattle dog is coming out of her shell more, and the owner of the hyper BC is learning to use toys to reward any small thing his dog does. The other BC is very advanced, so the owner brought her husband along to help train the puppy. With the husband working the dog, the dog appears to be less advanced, so that was a good plan on the wife's part. Since the pup is so advanced, now the husband is getting training! Two puppies were absent, I hope they've been working on their homework so they don't fall behind!

In the agility class, we have mostly herding dogs also. Lets see, two German Shepherds, who are litter mates and very different. One belongs to a lady in the schutzhund club and the other belongs to her neighbor and is obese. We also have a cute red Aussie and an Aussie/ BC mix with a curly tail. Two BCs and a yellow lab who is also a bit chunky. I discussed the dangers of overweight dogs in agility. The GSD lady said her dog is on a diet. I don't get why it is hard for some people to get their dogs skinny. Just feed them 1/2 of whatever you are currently feeding them, and if that isn't enough, 1/2 it again. Repeat until the dog is the desired weight, then slowly add food back until the dog stops loosing weight and maintains a good body shape.

I think I'm missing a dog but I can't think who.

We also had a visitor to class. The pheasant who hangs around was pecking around outside the fence. Then he tried to fly away but instead hit the fence and fell in! Dumb bird. He (she actually) was able to recover and fly away before any of the dogs caught her....

Another successful class, I think. Hopefully the students feel the same way!!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Happy Birthday Craig!!

I guess since you are a manly man I won't say "Happy Sweet 16!" But nonetheless, I wish you a very happy birthday and a great 16th year! That's all I have time for now since I'm off to your birthday dinner. Yum!

Monday, October 19, 2009

More Incorrect Bed Usage

The puppy spends more time under the bed than on it. She is in the x-pen to help with her house breaking. She originally went under the bed when her toy went under there, but now she is going under just to keep busy.

Going under! (While Blossom sleeps on unaware.)

Going for the toy.

I see you!


Pie comes to visit Knotty in her prison.

*Sigh* It's sooooo hard to be a puppy.

Long puppy legs. Sleepy puppy is tired from the bed adventures.

"See, I know how to use the bed, I just choose to use it more creatively to exercise my mental capabilities."
At the old house I had one of the round dog bed with sides set up on the raised bed. Fancy was laying in the bed and a Pie toy ended up under the bed. Pie shoved her entire body under the bed in an attempt to get the toy, and Fancy did not vacate the bed. She just gave me a look that said, "What is WRONG with that dog?" as her bed bounced and jounced up and down while Pie squirmed under it.. Too bad I didn't get that on video.

Malinois In the Rain: A Photo Essay

Mostly just standing around chewing on the toy together... but some cute expressions surface.

I like how you can see the rain drops in this one.

Will Knotty be as big as Pie some day?

Dies The Fire

I came home from work last Tuesday (I am behind on blogging) to find yellow tape across my driveway. The tape said "Fire Line Do Not Cross." And there was a red tag with "Transformer Fire" printed on it. Hmm... I called Edison who had no record of anything going on with my property. They assured me it was safe to go inside. This was the first day of the first rain of the season, and I had just been to the store.

The power was off, so I called Edison back and this time listened to the recording which said they were aware of the problem and my power should be restored at 7 am Wednesday morning. Great. This was especially timely since I just borrowed a book from my Dad called "Dies the Fire" which is about what happens when electricity mysteriously stops working and other modern things such as gunpowder and dynamite also do not work. Interesting concept and good story so far (luckily one of the main characters is an ex-Marine with many useful skills and a lot of people wandering around not only have bows, but also have the knowledge to make new ones. Heck, even I have a bow, but the draw is really too heavy for me and if I'm not careful it dislocates my shoulder and I doubt I could hit a moving target...Good thing I'm not a character in the book. Maybe I could contribute by training dogs for protection purposes. But you need the right type and temperment of dog for that. At least I can ride horses. But so can the ex-Marine. He's probably a dog training too.) But, even though it was timely due to the book, it was untimely because of the food I had just bought and because it was raining so I didn't want to go out and buy ice for the freezer.

I played with the dogs while it was still light, and took a walk when the rain let up. When it got dark I lighted the candles and read by those. Eventually I went into town (in the rain) and bought dry ice and regular ice for the freezer. Around 9:30 a large truck with big lights showed up and worked on a pole near us. Then around four in the morning I woke up with the radio on. I got up and the clocks showed one, so the power had been on since around three. So they were ahead of schedule. I never did find out why it said Transformer Fire and Edison told me if they had left the warning, they would have left a tag with more information. Also, all (or at least, the ones I could see) of our neighbors had power the entire time. Humph. The dry ice was expensive. I could have done with out this little episode. Just goes to show how much I take for granted...

The LA Zoo

After the agility mishap, I wasn't sure I'd be able to accompany Laura and Dad (that's my Dad, not Laura's Dad) to the Zoo on Columbus day as planned. But Dad felt like I should go and help him out and while I thought he'd be fine without me, I was able to walk ok, so to the zoo I went.

We saw lots of good animals, but I did not take pictures of them all. In fact, I only took pictures of the first mammal we saw, a strange antelope/ gazelle thingy.

Here is Laura posing with them. What ever they are. She has a stuffed gorilla she got for free because Nana is a Zoo member. We turned in a coupon at the ticket counter, and the worker showed the gorilla through the tiny slot where you put your money and get your ticket. It was pretty silly. She named the gorilla Foura, like four with an A and like Laura with an F.

Here is a baby gazelle thingy. It was hiding in the corner under this branch. Very cute.

Laura's Mommy called while we were there and Laura spoke to her. At one point the reception must have been poor, because she took the phone away from her ear and held it in front of her and shouted, "Mommy, I can't hear you!"

Besides seeing animals, there was also a play ground. Laura conversed with Granddad. Who knows what they were discussing?

Maybe they were talking about how he was going to help her on the monkey bars. Appropriate choice for the zoo. The little girl behind them caught up and thought about mowing Laura down, but then thought better of it and waited for her to finish.

Next up was posing with a seal.

Sliding off the seal.

I think this is one of the few pictures I have with my Godchild the whole time she was here. So I will post two.

I have pictures of Laura at the Zoo when she was here earlier in her life. I recall her being somewhat bald, so she must have been pretty young. This time it was a few days after her 5th birthday.

I promised Laura we would come back to the petting portion of the zoo, because when she wanted to go we had just finished eating and still had drinks and there were no drinks allowed. We saved the petting for last since it was on the way back, and when we arrived, they were closed! I broke a promise to a child. How horrible. I think she was a little less disappointed because the goats were about to be fed and were frisky and ramming each other, so she might have been secretly pleased we couldn't go in so she didn't get rammed also.

My knee held up ok, even though I did take the handicap ramps when it was available instead of the stairs. Laura is oh so cute. I can't wait for her to come back and visit again!

Blood Pooling Under the Skin- Where Does It Go?

Kind of a gross question, but appropriately gruesome with Halloween approaching. Last Sunday, the 11th, I was running Pie in agility and was three jumps from the end of the course with a clean run when I twisted my knee. And fell down. Pie was upset, but I was more so. And before you ask, yes, I was wearing my brace.

I was helped up and hobbled off the course (the show must go on!) and Fancy was due to run in a little bit. I was working on a Double Q with her, so I didn't want to give up my run. I limped around the course, using my "out" and "go on" commands and as usual Fancy was listening really well. We were clean up to the same jump I came to grief on Pie with. I was about 50 feet behind Fancy (that's half of a 100 foot ring) and there were two jumps to chose from. I called her off the incorrect one, but she took a different incorrect one. Good try Fancy.

I exited the course and found I could no longer walk. Very strange. Even though in pain, I've always been able to at least move on an injured knee. Not this time. There was a chair in front of me so I sat down and stayed there while my knee swelled up. This swelling was different than normal. It was high and on the inside, where a more general swelling is normal. The bump was approaching soft ball sized, or at least baseball, and the pressure on my skin from the liquid felt really gross.

Eventually I slowly made my way back to were my stuff was set up. Luckily, one of my friends was there and she moved my car closer, packed up all my stuff, drug it to the car, and also put it away. I used my folding chair as a cane to make it to the car. Then it took some time to get the leg bent and into the car. Luckily it was the left knee so I didn't need it for driving. The ice I had been using earlier melted so I drove through the nearest fast food place and ordered a drink and some ice in a baggie. They thought that was really strange until I explained what it was for.

I left the ice on for the entire hour and a half drive home. By the time I got there, the swelling was back to the normal generalized swelling, and I could walk, mostly.

A few days later, I started to develop a bruise in the area of the softball swelling. It has gotten darken and darker as the days go by, an spread down the leg. The thought of the loose blood just pooling around grosses me out. But not so much that I can't take pictures of it. It is hard to take a picture of a bruise! I'd say it is grosser in the flesh (ha, ha.) It started above the knee cap and is now off the knee and on the lower leg. Ewww.

The swelling on the knee is almost gone, and I've been able to hide the limp ever since I went back to work on Tuesday. I might start running again tomorrow. Or I might use it as an excuse to put it off another day.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

In Which the Proper Use of Dog Beds is Exlored, Explained and Critiqued

The following free lecture will explain methods, terminology and usage of dog beds.
Example A.

The dog on bed in the back ground knows to to use a bed. He has chosen the technique of "Chin Rest" and at the same time demonstrates versatility in bed use by also employing the "Feet Hide."
The dog on the bed in the foreground needs to improve her methods. Her head, considered by some experts to require the most pillowing, is hanging off the bed, as are her front feet. However, all hope is not gone as the rest of her body (including tail) is on the bed, and her head is on carpet, and not bare floor.

Example B.

In example B we are experiencing further difficulties. The dog is now completely off the bed, although some may argue the front of the thigh is touching the bed, so that may count for something. However, any ground won with that argument is quickly lost when the dog's sleeping position is critiqued. Obviously, this dog has no concept of proper dog bed use. In addition to the lack of knowledge regarding bed use, the dog appears to be perhaps abnormal. A normal dog does not sleep in such a contorted, undignified position.
Example C.

The newcomer has firmly established she is completely aware of correct bed usage. She is fully on the bed, and gets further points for being curled into a very appealing shape, "The Ball." The larger dog is still clueless, although her front feet have snuck onto the bed, while the smallest dog has modified his position into the "Nose Tuck," perhaps since the white dog received critical acclaim for employing the same method, although under a different name.

Example D.

Two of the dogs have changed positions. The large dog is trying to make use of the soft cover which was pulled off the elevated bed. While the 15 pound poodle fit nicely in this makeshift bed, the 55 pound Malinois is making a valiant effort to contain herself in the bed, but is nonetheless oozing out (but just a bit.) Due to the effort, we can now conclude she has somehow become aware of proper bed usage. Yet, this knowledge would have been put to better use on the larger bed, so perhaps she is still not fully task trained. In addition to dubious task training, she is attempting to copy the Nose Tuck, but her nose appears to be too large, and is still fully in view.
The poodle is comfortable on the big bed, although the Nose Tuck suits his small frame better than the "Is This a Crumb or a Bug?" pose he has decided to close the session with.
The white dog is perhaps not as familiar with proper bed usage as was originally thought, since she had decided to stay with her first pose, and has not attempted to demonstrate any variety.
It should be noted that all of these photos were taken within a 30 minute time frame. I would like the thank the restlessness of the subjects for allowing us to demonstrate and critique many different techniques and positions.
Thank you for attending our lecture today.


I've been trying to post this video for weeks now. At least that is what it feels like. It isn't even that great of a video. I'm not sure what the problem is, but it won't load on you tube or photobucket, even after I compressed it. In case it once again refuses to load, I will also try loading it here. Nope, didn't work. Very frustrating. Some photos I am trying to load on a different post are also not loading.

One reason I some times do not update my blog is my Internet access is intermittent. It is wireless and I bought an external antenna, so we will see if that helps. If it does, I will trying moving my computer out of my kitchen and into my computer room.

I give up. I republished this video and it still won't load. I hope all my videos do not start this. I'm very frustrated. I tried to load some pictures in another post and that didn't happen either.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

First Day of School

Puppy school, and I'm the teacher. I had 8 students but one was absent. I had two border collies, a sheltie, a Aussie, a North American Shepherd (NAS-tiny mini Aussie,) a Cattle Dog and a Prynean Shepherd. What's with the lack of diversity in type of dog? They were all from the herding group! The NAS has naturally perfect attention and stares at his owner's face the entire time. He would be a wonderful obedience dog, but she only has time for agility. Too bad. The sheltie was pretty advanced. They are all nice dogs and I got to pet them all!

I look forward to hearing how the students thought it went. I'm sure they'll tell Kate, my boss, who will then tell me. I'm already thinking about what I want to teach next week, and what I told them that was wrong this week.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Knotty Pictures

Here are some pictures I took of Naughty, er Knotty, today.
Add Image

Taken through the window. If I'm with her it is hard to get a good picture because she's jumping on me or running around.

Stealing from the big girls.

Learning to wait politely. She's already better at it that Blossom.

So cute! How can I resist that face?

We also took another off leash walk in the area behind our house. Her stamina is pretty low. Comes from living in a box for two months, I suppose.
After the walk I had a semi private lesson with a golden and a min-pin for an hour. I think it went well. Hope they felt the same way!


And not the yummy powdered kind. Or the even better kind with icing and sprinkles. Nope- it is the kind that you have to take all the dog crates, and x-pen, and cart, and folding soft crate out of the back of your car to use the special tool to lower the cable all the way to the ground so this type of donut can then be drug out from under your car and put on your vehicle by the 16 year old boy who shows up when you call roadside assistance because your dad wounldn't teach you to change a tire because he said, "That's what roadside assistance is for" but they always take forever to arrive, so you consider reading the owner's manual and changing it yourself, until you read the part that says the vehicle could roll over and kill you, so you decide to call roadside assistance and that is when the infant arrives and installs it, and then you can drive around on it for four days, looking really ghetto and being put in a dangerous situation since you are far exceeding the 50 miles recommended because the tire store did not have the cheap but highly recommended tires in stock and they ordered them, promising they would arrive the next day, but they didn't, and the next day after they didn't come when the were supposed to, the man calls and says they got shipped to the wrong store and they will be in the following day, but you no longer have any faith in the store and figure you should follow in the footsteps of one of your co-worker's friends who wanted to lower his car so he took off all the regular tires and installed four donuts. That kind of donut. I think I would prefer the kind with powder. Or sprinkles. Either one.

On a completely unrelated topic, Pie just walked up to me, licked my elbow three times (I counted) then wandered off. I think she is planning on slaughtering me while I sleep tonight and then consuming me. She was either engaging in a taste test or trying to tenderize one of the bony areas. Probably I won't be able to sleep tonight for fear that I won't be alive in the morning.